snapshot

brief snapshot about things right now:

1. school will probably keep me busy this semester even though I am only taking 4 classes

2. My 2 photo classes scare me because I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and really putting myself out there by being creative

3. My overacheiving, perfectionist attitude tells me that I have to compete with my classmates and be ten times better than them.

4. I went to another pilates class last night but it just wasn’t the same as my last saturday class. The atmosphere at the saturday class was better. I’m not sure why, maybe because there were a lot of young kids in last night’s one. I found myself just not getting into it, although my thighs burn just a bit today.

5. If it doesn’t stop raining, I’m going to go insane.

6. Food is going good. I’m catching myself counting at the end of the day. But I’m not restricting what I’m eating. Yesterday I baked a cake for my friend’s birthday and sampled the batter here and there. I also chomped on some wheat thins while baking. Normally I’d freak out because there’s no way that I could count how many servings or calories. But instead I just enjoyed myself, and had a light dinner before gym class.

a little of this, a little bit of that

All day I’ve been feeling peckish. I’m trying not to obsess or freak out, but I find myself picking at things all day. I think it stems from my lunch; I wasn’t completely satisfied. I grabbed some Fage 2% yogurt that I have been obsessed with recently, and a whole wheat english muffin that I love from TJ’s and a wedge of laughing cow spread. And after eating that, I still felt hungry and decided to eat my apple.

But 3 o’clock came around and I thought that I should probably have a pre-gym snack so I ate my Kashi bar. Such a smart idea because I felt pumped and energized walking into the gym. Once I got home, the picking started. Some wheat thins here while making dinner, some semi-sweet chocolate chips after dinner. See what I mean? I just kept picking things and tasting. The important thing I kept telling myself was that eating little bits and pieces here and there is ok. No need to freak out.
After dinner, I felt the need for something sweet. I made some hot cocoa, but my mind kept thinking about two things: the jar of nutella in the cupboard and a square of valrhorna chocolate. I was tempted to count my calories first to see if it was reasonable but then I thought Fuck that! I want it, eat it. If I had ignored my subtle cravings, I would’ve felt deprived which might’ve led to a binge.

What’s the moral of this blog post? What important lesson did I learn today?  Some days, your body is hungrier than normal and some days it just needs a little fuel. If you keep your portions right (meaning no mindless eating) and savor each bite, who cares? I sat in my bed, with my cup of cocoa and my square of chocolate and enjoyed every bite. No obsessing allowed dammit.

the silver lining

Classes resume again this week. I’m feeling a bit antsy right now because I know that with school comes stress. And I do not work well under pressure sometimes, as one can tell from previous posts. I tend to bottle it up, not talk about it and leave it under wraps until it blows up in my face. But I’m not doing that this time around. I want to balance the stress by trying not to be Ms. Perfect.

This perfectionist streak I have is a big character flaw. To have to be right 100% of the time, to succeed in everything I do, to stand out, be recognized for my marvelous work… It’s all fucking exhausting. Not to mention that this perfectionist streak blends into my eating habits. If I am not in control of my diet, I binge. If things are not 100% how I planned it, I am not a happy camper.

In the book that I am reading, Aimee Liu’s Gaining, this is a major character trait in anorexics and bulimics. “Typically well-organized, driven, and somewhat compulsive,’ Peter Kramer writes in Listening to Prozac, ‘they are extremely obedient and may overachieve in school… are rarely impulsive or domineering and indeed, tend to be timid and risk-averse.”

Strangely enough, my affinity for perfection often holds me back. Because I am so scared that I will fail, I don’t to push myself. I am scared of trying new things because I’m scared to fail. This fear of not being perfect has plagued me my whole life and I have no one else to blame but myself. I should be happy with my efforts, not the outcomes.

Case in point, when I was jonesing for some kind of creative outlet in December, I signed up for a digital imaging and graphic design class for this coming semester. I don’t know what I was thinking; I am not an arty person at all. In fact, I tend to stay away from the arts because I think that that I suck at being creative in that way. Because I am so scared to suck at art, I purposely avoid it. But not this time, I told myself. I told myself that it was time to have fun in college, test out new classes and see what you like. If you stink at it, who cares? At least you tried, right?

Well, despite my better efforts, I’m still frighetened to take those classes. This fear of failure is suffocating me. I’m trying not to be such a wuss but I hate trying anything out that makes me vulnerable. Looking weak and failing is not something I handle well but I’m trying to look at the silver lining. Even if I am not the best in the class, at least I pushed myself. Effort points. That’s all that matters, right?

pilates and a cookie

I went to Pilates this morning and felt absolutely rejuvenated. You know what I mean? Every muscle in my body was working, and every pore in my body was sweating like crazy. I felt alive. Even though I was not the best of the bunch, I tried my best. Even in pain, I kept pressing, till the point where my muscles kept twitching. Then I took a breather :) But the whole mind-body connection that Pilates reinforces is the idea that we should be more mindful of our bodies and health. It’s something that I’d definitely like to continue.

Eating wise, I didn’t post yesterday because I didn’t really need to. I had the same ole, same ole except for my lunch. I had leftover couscous with veggies. I purposely ate something that was un-countable because, against my better judgments, I can still do the caloric tallies of most of the foods that I eat.  Normally I eat light throughout the day and eat a big dinner, but I made it a point to eat a bigger lunch and see how that worked. My serving of couscous was a bit much, filling over half of my big plate, but I didn’t care too much. I was hungry, it looked and smelled tasty so I ate all of it and was stuffed all afternoon. In a good way though. I was satisfied enough that all I had before hitting the gym was an apple.

Today was a good day, meal wise. I ate everything I wanted, in good portions. Including the chocolate chip cookies I made from 4 days ago in the big binge. It has been staring at me, gleefully gloating in my face. And I’ve stayed away until tonight. Tonight, I wanted it alongside my hot cocoa. I tried to push away the guilt as I bit into the soft and crunchy cookie.  It felt good to eat something and not have to guestimate the calories.

My only downfall it seems is the calorie counting. I still believe that calorie counting is the devil and am trying to stay away from it. Throughout the day I find myself mentally tallying the calories, but I’m purposely eating things that are uncountable. I want to be able to judge what I want without having to refer to a number. Listening to yourself and your inner cues rather than any outside sources is a major tennett of intuitive eating.

guilty as charged- 1/24/08

Breakfast: oatmeal with banana
Lunch: Fage 2% yogurt mixed with raspberry preserves, whole wheat english muffin w/ laughing cow spread
snack: kashi bar, apple
dinner: chicken & lemon juice, little oil, and steamed green beans
dessert: no sugar hot cocoa and 2 cappuccino cookies

Today was good, food-wise. I was less emotional about food, which is a relief because I felt like a big hormonal weirdo. It was the first time that I tried the greek yogurt, and I was pleasantly surprised. It was thick and creamy, with just a little tang. Mixed in with raspberry preserves, it was the perfect lunch. It also left me satisfied throughout the day, until it came time for my apple. And I wasn’t going to eat my Kashi bar but right before I went to the gym, I realized that I was hungry and needed some fuel. Yup, I actually listened to my internal cues :)

One downfall was that I counted calories. I know, big whoops. Right before I ate my dessert, I counted calories. The minute I decided to eat something sweet, I freaked out and had to count my calories. As if I wouldn’t allow myself to eat those cookies unless I was “under” my calorie limit. It’s this subtle restricting that goes on in my mind that will eventually drive me crazy.
Exercise today was intense, like yesterday. I felt alive, and powerful, which I hadn’t felt in a while. It felt fantastic to start moving, feeling my muscles and heart pump.

lovely link

I subscribe to First Ourselves’s RSS feed because of two reasons.

1. Reading the positive and optimistic posts early in my morning gives me new insight into how I think and work as a whole.

2. About 99% of the things written, I completely relate to.

When I read this, I realized why I love reading this blog so much.

“

“Thinking about this made me understand why being overweight pains me. It’s not so much a body image issue as it is a feeling of betrayal:  the consequence of treating my body in a way that is contrary to my values. I value health; I value personal development; I value love. When I overeat, and consequently gain weight, I’m living contrary to my beliefs. This is painful, and rightly so. If it didn’t feel bad, then it would imply that my values were meaningless. But I do care. Which is why I work at fixing my bad habits, do my best to abstain from sugar, exercise, and treat my body with lovingkindness.”

Does anyone else agree with this? How do you morals and beliefs contradict the behavior that you have with your body? Because looking at myself, I realize it’s practically a 180. I treat everyone else aroud me 100 times better than I treat myself. Go ahead and read the entire post, it will make you want to honor your body and soul by actually living up to the values and morals you have instilled into yourself.

Fresh start- 1/22/08

Breakfast: Oatmeal with banana and cup of coffee
Lunch: 1 slice of toast with raspberry jam, Garden Vegetable progresso soup
snack: small apple
pre-gym snack: peanut butter kashi bar
Dinner: chicken with green beans and tomatoes with a small amount of olive oil
dessert: orange & hot tea

In retrospect, I could’ve binged very easily today. Right around the mid afternoon, I found out that I had been dropped from one of my classes, and needless to say, it totally threw me for a loop. Talk about stress and anxiety. So immediately, I envisioned blowing off the gym and instead diving into a big vat of nutella hidden in my cupboard. Strange, but it sounded like the most comforting thing ever. But the whole time, my head kept telling me that stuffing my face wouldn’t make me feel better. In fact, I’d feel worse. And it was so hard admitting that I would have to deal with my emotions instead of avoiding them. I actually started crying on the drive home out of sheer frustration.

But after an intense hour long workout, I felt better. more calm and relieved of the stress from today. Being away from the gym for so long, you forget that working out can reduce your anxiety. You can really get your frustration out. I’m very glad that I stayed away from the binging behavior that I’ve experienced the past 5 day. Time to start taking care of myself, inside and out.

held accountable

In lieu of my less-than satisfactory binge on friday, I continued to bine all through the weekend and even up to yesterday. I ate so much in the span of those days I can’t even reemember. How crazy is that? I am not even aware of what I put into my body because I was tasting it, I was just consuming it.

All day yesterday, I was struggling with the urge to binge while I was at work. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Wouldn’t it feel great to dive into a bowl of nutella or peanut butter? These were the thoughts that filled my mind, making it so hard for me to concentrate on work that I actually had to leave work. And then found myself at the grocery store where I went on to purchase wheat thins, nutella, and peanut butter.

But around dinnertime last night, I just got so sick of myself. Sick of what I was doing to my body. Sick of feeling gross. So instead of binging on unhealthy takeout (which I was seriously considering prior) I made myself some veggies and some healthy grain rice. And it felt good to eat something nutritious. I think my body had been crying out for vegetables but I hadn’t heeard it because I was too busy listening to that voice in my head that was pushing me to eat everything else.

I woke up this morning, feeling like I need to take accoutability for my actions and for everything that i put into my body. In the book that I am reading right now  Gaining: the truth about life after eating disorders by Aimee Liu, keeping a judgement-free food diary is  one thing that bulimics and anorexics  do to help them become more aware and in tune with their bodies. Since listening to my body is clearly not my strength, I think that I am going to embark on a mini project here. I’m going to take a picture of everything that I eat in the day, and note how I feel about it. Was it what I wanted? How much did I eat? What time?

One crucial part of this experiement though is to not count calories. I get too obsessed and restrictive when I count calories, which then leads to me binge in response. Which is exactly what I  am trying to prevent.Hopefully, this new project will help me see my eating patterns more clearly. I have a feeling that it will help me become more aware of what I am eating, how I am eating it. In general, it will make me more accountable.

round the clock

Great article about people’s relationship with food here.

“Overeating to soothe emotions is also what behavioral scientists call a “conditioned” or “learned” response. When we repeatedly engage in a certain behavior every time we’re in a certain situation—say, grabbing a bag of chips at the vending machine every time we have a stressful meeting at work—we learn to associate one activity with the other. In the brain, the pleasure-inducing opioids that surge when you eat the chips work together with the dopamine system to make the experience more reinforcing, says Boggiano, “meaning that we are likely to want to do it again.” The more the behavior is repeated, the more ingrained it becomes; eventually just seeing the conference room door might trigger a powerful craving for Pringles.”

Why couldn’t I have read this article before I binged like crazy this weekend?! To be frank, it probably wouldn’t have mattered because I was like a woman on a mission. Now how do I feel? Utterly confused, lost, and hopeless.

When I wasn’t binging, I was thinking about binging. Even when I went and saw 27 dresses with my friends, I was thinking about binging. When I was reading my book, I couldn’t concentrate because all I could think about was my next meal. Instead of playing a minor role in life, food has taken over and become the major player. It’s a nonstop, round the clock thought.

And I am sick to fucking death of my behavior. I just want to stop this pattern but I just don’t know how.

the binge that wasn’t

It started with a burger and fries at a luncheon for my co-worker’s nbirthday. I had a little anxiety about this get-together since last night because I knew I’d be eating food that was “un-countable”. The anxiety carried over to this morning, where I was a little on edge. I even tried to some how “slip” out of the office so I could avoid going out with my office buds. How deranged is that?

Anyways, I knew I had a choice. I could either pretend that I wasn’t hungry or order a measly and expensive salad that would leave me hungry 2 hours later or order what I really wanted and craved. I knew the possibilities of denying my craving so I said, what the hell and got myself a burger. And man was it good. With a nice side of fries too :) I ate the whole turkey patty, left some of the bun, and returned to my desk happy. But then came the chocolate ice cream cake that my boss bought. And I really struggled here. Sweets have always been what I turn to for comfort, and this past week has been extremely hard (although I am not sure why). Instead of savoring my one piece, I felt a bit guilty for eating that piece and therefore kept picking and the rest of the cake. bit by bit. I probably had about 2 slices in addition to my first piece. Was I physically hungry? No. But man did I need some nuturing, and I turned to food instead of another helpful outlet.

After the cake, you can guess what happened. I decided to make a batch of homemade mac and cheese, got myself a pint of ben and jerrys (how cliche) and changed into my pj’s and ate my heart out.

I should’ve known then that I was on shaky ground. This whole week I have been a bit on edge (as I’m sure that you could tell) but I wouldn’t admit it that I was struggling. that I needed help. Because needing help means that I am weak. flawed. And to me, that is the worst thing ever. But instead of finding solace in food, I am still empty. A month ago, when I was binging like crazy during the holidays, I think I realized that my food comas had lost their appeal. I no longer felt “better” after a binge, I didn’t feel numb. Nothing had changed, except that I was a bit bloated and nauseous.
And even after this binge, I still feel lonely, sad, and a bit more weary. Because the one thing that used to comfort me isn’t availible. In fact, as I was reading my book, I grabbed my leftover cheesecake from a month ago and tried eating it righ tin bed. and guess what? I got sick of it after a few bites.

This officially was “the binge that wasn’t”. No food coma, just general discomfort, and a resolve to patch up whatever needs to be fixed in the morning. I like to think that I am getting on track, getting back on the saddle and trying to find new ways to express myself but its so fucking hard when you can’t find an arm or hand to grab on to. I need comfort, compassion, something tangible for the soul. Instead of gobs of food, I should’ve talked to someone, a friend, a family member, anyone.

The upside? I am trying to be more upbeat and not punish myself for this little mishap. It happened, and punishing myself for it will only make things worse. Time to move forward, and learn from tonight.