the home stretch

Dead week at school is finally over. I have just one project due this friday but I am going to get it done early so I can start to relax and unwind. Till then, this blog might be silent. See you all soon :)

May 8, short and sweet

Just one more day till the weekend! Whooohoo! I have one more interview tomorrow, then therapy appointment and then hopefully something fun. In two weeks, school will be over and I’m sooo loving that. I was quite proud of myself today because in my class, everyone brought in sweets like cake, brownies, cookies, to celebrate a campaign we executed. Instead of denying myself a taste of some of the sweets, I let myself enjoy what I really wanted: a teeny tiny slice of cake. And it was mighty good too. The cake was moist and light while the frosting was sugary and yummy. But after two bites, I was done. I was more excited for my granola bar that was waiting for me in my bag and opted to eat that instead. I’m just glad that I listened to my inner voice that wanted cake, and I’m glad I didn’t just shovel it into my mouth without enjoying it. Yay for small battles!

breakfast: oatmeal with banana

lunch: whole wheat english muffin with 2 teaspoons of peanut butter and jelly, strawberries

snack: TLC granola bar, 2-3 bites of chocolate cake

dinner: Trader Joe’s organic split pea soup, salad with green beans and tomatoes

dessert: sugar free fruit popsicle.

May 7, change of scene

I had a job interview in the same building that I normally work in today. To say I was nervous would be an understatement. I really wanted this job because it totally fit within my major and I’d be getting the kind of experience that I need. I was supposed to meet the lady in a room on the 20th floor and since I already have key card access, we agreed to meet in the room at 3. But due to some kind of miscommunication, I ended up waiting 15 minutes in an empty quiet room before I ventured outside of the room, wondering if I had been stood up. Lo and behold, the lady was waiting for security to call me up to meet her in the hallway. WHAT?! Did she forget that we were going to meet in the room I don’t know, but I felt really bad because it probably looked like I was 15 minutes late. Which is a big faux pas and is one of my biggest pet peeves. Hopefully the lady and guy (who tagged along for the interview) believed me, but even if they didn’t, they could go check her email and see word for word what she wrote. Anyways, to say I was a little jittery would be a nice way of summing it up. I think I did ok, I answered all the questions, smiled politely, but who knows really… I have another interview on Friday, and I find out the results of today’s interview on Friday. I’m just glad that I am getting the opportunity to work in my field. It will be nice to enjoy doing what I plan on doing for my career. I was totally worked up after the interview today though so my gym workout was really helpful. I have no idea how I used to deal with stress before working out… I didn’t eat that much today because of my increased anxiety levels but I will try to eat more tomorrow. I did enjoy the beautiful day outside though as I walked around the first day of the farmers market outside my building. Seeing all the vendors and produce always makes me smile.

Breakfast: oatmeal with banana

Lunch: full fat Greek yogurt with an orange

Snack: apple

Dinner: 2 pieces of grilled chicken, zuchinni, tomatoes, and mushroom

Dessert: laughing cow ice cream sandwich

Workout log April 27th May 3rd

Sunday: 60 min elliptical

Monday: 60 min ellipitical

Tuesday: 60 min elliptical

Wed: 60 min elliptical

Thursday: rest

Friday: 60 min elliptical

Sat: 40 min elliptical

May 6, under the weather

Sorry for the lagging posts here but the past 5 days I’ve been super busy. It was a massive birthday blowout with my friend’s and mom’s birthday on the same day, which meant that I was out of the house a lot of the times. I don’t mind going out and having fun but alot of my homework was thrown aside. What can you do, right? For the past few days though I noticed that my inner critic has been screaming loud. Everything I do isn’t good enough and I pick on myself more. I try to ignore it but ignoring the voices don’t silence them. I think the only way I can cope with them is that I need to be easier on myself and actually treat myself with respect. Yesterday and today I just kept putting myself down but I know that I have the power to stop this vicious cycle. On the other hand, I can feel a slight cold coming upon me. I was out till 2am on Saturday, and when I woke upon Sunday my throat felt scratchy. Come Monday, I had a scratchy throat and took some nyquil to knock myself out. It’s still there but I’m hoping it goes away by the end of the week as I have so much school stuff to complete. I also am upping my calorie intake because I should be eating more than 1200 to 1300 calories, especially when I’m uber active at the gym and school. 60 minute ellipitical workouts demand more energy and I won’t starve myself because I will become fatigued and grumpy. No good!

Breakfast: oatmeal and big nanner

Lunch: Whole wheat english muffin, turkey, laughing cow cheese, salad

Snacks: Apple, orange, Kashi TLC bar

Dinner: Trader Joe’s Organic Lentil Soup, green beans

Dessert: Strawberries.

May 4, party weekend

This weekend has been one big party weekend. Not only was it my mom’s birthday today, but it was a close friend of mine as well. So I had two celebrations to go to which meant that my weekend literally flew by. All of a sudden, it’s Sunday night and I am waiting for the next weekend to  come. The disordered  voices were in full force, whispering to me “You are fat. You are worth nothing. You really shouldn’t eat that piece of chocolate/cake/chip/etc.” I kept thinking that if I just avoided all things at the party I went to on Saturday and avoided eating anything not in my control today that I’d be fine.

Crazy, huh? You think you get so far and then baam! You realize you are at the same spot still.

But instead of avoiding the delicious spread I ran into this weekend, I dibbled and dabbled throughout the weekend. I tasted the things I baked, from some yummy strawberry cupcakes to chocolate mousse. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t mentally freak out. Oh no, in fact I still feel guilt ridden about eating a bowl of pasta for dinner tonight. I made my mom a special pasta dinner that was whole wheat pasta with ricotta cheese, peas, and mushrooms. Healthy right? And yet I still tried to avoid it because it wasn’t countable. But in the end, I thought, if you don’t eat some of the pasta, you will feel deprived which will lead you to a binge in a few weeks.

I just want to be able to eat without this guilt. Is there a pill I can take for that?! I mean, I actually felt like I had ruined my  day  by tasting some of the chocolate mousse I made as well as the bittersweet chocolate ganache for a cake.

I think the reason for the freakouts is that every day I reminded of my struggle. The minute I look in the mirror I feel like a disappointment because of the binging episodes. It’s like I just pick on myself 24/7 constantly eroding any self-love I have. basically, I’m a big bitch to myself and I need to stop. What I’ve been trying to do is to talk to myself like a friend. I know that sounds weird, but hear me out. When I start getting down on myself for eating a mini cupcake (god forbid), I take a step back in my mind and pretend like I am talking to my best friend. I look at myself from a third persons point of view. I tell myself, hey, don’t freak out, it’s not going to end your life. It’s just a fucking cupcake, and it was only one! You are being ridiculously anal.

It helps most of the time, but it doesn’t take a way this constant disappointment I have of myself. I want to fit in to my clothes again, I want to feel comfortable. I want to stop this rollercoaster. I want to look back on my day today and think, wow you had a fun day, instead of thinking, shit, what the hell is wrong with you?!

Slow and steady is the key, right? That’s what they say at least. A little indulgence here and there, a little moderation, and a little more patience with yourself. But I absolutely can’t wait any longer because living in the now is extremely frustrating.

May 1, edgy

Happy first of May! It was a glorious day out and I was able to enjoy bits and pieces. My day was pretty busy and I forgot to eat the additional snacks that I brought but I didn’t feel too hungry all day. I ended up eating a ton of green beans and chicken tonight anyways to make up for my light eating day. Despite my better efforts, I am monitoring my calorie intake and I am being very nonjudgmental. Just taking notes of what fills me up and what makes me feel energetic. The turkey wrap I’ve been eating for lunch the past week has some lasting effects, seriously…

Despite the sunny skies, I was definitely on edge all day. I felt grumpy, moody, and pissed. The lack of sleep might have been the issue but overall I just felt like I wasn’t good enough. What spurned this? Well, I perused some shopping sites this morning and they all made me bitter. Bitter because I couldn’t have all the things i wanted. I sound like such a spoiled brat, but I’m being honest. Every piece of clothing I saw I wanted. Badly. And then I’d start to concentrate on all the things I wanted to be: skinny, put-together, cool calm and collected, etc. And I kept getting angrier and angrier at myself for not being perfect. But I tried to talk myself out of this horrid mood by reminding myself that these materialistic things don’t make you happy. If this were true, then all the rich people in the world would be the happiest ones around. I think we all know that’s a complete lie. I reminded myself to be treat myself and my body with respect, compassion, and dignity. Focus on the positive, and push away the negative. I don’t know if the mantra helped, but once I got home from school, the bad attitude had been kicked. Hopefully I can get some rest tonight, as we can all see 5 hours of sleep makes me a grumpy girl.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with a big banana

Lunch: Turkey wrap with whole wheat wrap, laughing cow cheese, and turkey. Apple

Snack: String Cheese

Dinner: Chicken cooked with mushrooms, onions and marinara sauce. Tons of green beans

Dessert: Skinny cow peanut butter and chocolate ice cream sandwich.

April 30, a little wired

Man, that extra cup of coffee really puts me over the edge. I’ve weened myself off the 2 cups of coffee over the past few months but today was just a gorgeous day with a slight cold breeze and the idea of a warm cup of coffee as I took my daily walk sounded wonderful. And it was! I walked to the mall where I tried on some clothes that sadly didn’t fit but I wouldn’t let it get me down. I just told myself to let it go and not worry about it. But now I am paying for that extra caffeine boost! Even though I worked out pretty hard, I’m still a little jump. Oh well…

My stomach has been a little  off recently. I think my body is trying to get used to all the fruits/veggies/etc I’ve been downing, especially after a week of tons of junk food. But I’m hoping it calms down. Foodwise, I’m doing really well. But it’s not hard to mess up 4 days, right? Still, having a plan and sticking to it but not depriving myself has been good.

Breakfast: Oatmeal with a big fatty banana, coffee

Lunch: Turkey sandwich on wheat sourdough from TJ’s, apple

Snack: Kashi TLC bar, string cheese

Dinner: Green beans with carrots stir-fried with soy sauce, two pieces of grilled chicken

Dessert: Sugar free hot cocoa (it’s the only kind I like!)

April 29th, wake-up call

Holy crap, I just realized that it’s almost May. Whoa. The past months have literally flown by. That is nuts. I didn’t even notice the days and weeks passing by as school and work keep me busy nonstop. It kind of makes me sad though because the month of April is one of my favorites. But that just means that I need to stop and enjoy May more, right?

I recently finished reading Holy Hunger , a honest memoir about one woman’s fight with overeating/binging/purging and her path to recovery. What I liked about this book was the focus on the emotional factors, not the food, that the author experienced. Because, like so many people know,it’s not about the food, the diets, etc. It’s the feelings behind them and this book really highlights that issue. the author goes through her rough and rocky childhood where she got used to silencing herself and taking care of herself and how that impacted her life as a young woman. The entire time I read it, I kept thinking to myself, “Wow, does this sound familiar?!”. Eventually, the author regains control of her life by following the principles of Overeaters Anonymous, which are based on the principles of AA. I like some of her tools and techniques and hope to remember them as I challenge myself to get over the binge/purge cycle.

The author stresses this one tip throughout the whole book: have a  plan. In the beginning, you have to plan your meals methodically in order to take the emotions out of eating. Once you get used to that, it becomes easier to respond to life without using food because food isn’t an outlet for your emotions. If you leave your meals to chance, and god forbid something happens to you, your chances of binging/purging are higher if you don’t have a plan. makes sense to me. So I think I am going to start posting meal plans and exercise regimes, that way i can see in front of me what my intakes are and how I felt that day.

Breakfast: oatmeal w/ banana and coffee.

Lunch: whole wheat tortilla with turkey and laughing cow cheese, orange

Snack: Kashi TLC granole bar, apple

Dinner: not sure yet, probably chicken and veggies.

Aware

After a week of me seriously contemplating about deleting this blog, I realized that I haven’t fully used it. Sure, I post here and then, but my posting is erratic and inconsistent. Not to mention I tend to blog more when I am feeling a little more down.

But I am changing that tune, mister! I’m going back to daily post. Yup, that’s right. DAILY. With therapy going on, I find myself with so much to say and yet not outlet. Which is just dumb considering I have a freaking blog. Pardon me while I slap myself from stupidity.

Looking back over the year, I realize that the times when I was the most content with my body and felt healthy and strong was when i held myself accountable. I made myself aware of my inner workings and lately, I’ve been lacking in that department. It’s so much easier to deny myself and ignore myself than it is to recognize it. But my plan is to write down my exercise and food intake, in a nonjudgemental way. No bad food/good food. It’s just food, meant to fuel  your body. If I make  myself mindful about my intake, i can hopefully spot the triggers that I have and the emotions around them.

Hopefully anyone reading out there can shed some tips and whatnot. Right now, my main priority is my mental health and I think that blogging and combining my weekly therapy appointments will help my overall sanity.